It’s been difficult to concentrate on work and everything else lately with all that’s been happening in my life. My eyes are perpetually feeling pins and are very tired, while my back is tensed with stress – I’m unable to relax in any way possible.
Yet again, I got caught up with the wedding preps, which always tend to get me all flustered. That, combined with lack of time, pressure and desperation was not a great feeling at all. And I spoke nothing about it to anyone because I was aware that these could have been prevented if I hadn’t procrastinate initially.
I’d learnt that if I voiced out my troubles and situation to Luke earlier, things might not have escalated. And no, it wasn’t due to pride that I didn’t ask (which coincidentally the topic with Et during lunch yesterday). But because you love someone so much, you do your best to want to take away any additional burden or stress – and take it on yourself to shoulder them. You try to play tough and fight it on – even when it ends up becoming a bigger burden to yourself than before.
No guessing that a lot of tears was involved in last night’s conversation. Luke apologized for raising his voice over the phone earlier – when he suddenly snapped at when I mentioned something which he had assumed was long over. I put up my defense & justification – but gave up when the fight became too tiring for me. And all I did was producing long sobs & sniffles in-between, telling him that it was difficult to calm myself down, and that didn’t mean that I wasn’t apologetic for my part in the argument. I must have been so agitated that I woke up the family with my crying. Mum was utterly sweet, kissing my forehead from time to time and stroking my back as I stuck the phone to my ear and cried my heart out.
I did feel a lot better after letting it out – the tears, the emotions and the troubles.
And Luke yet again, was my angel – helping me in any and every way he could at that moment. And immediately my burden was lighten. We ended the conversation on a good note. I also realize that as a husband, he wasn’t just going to be there for me emotionally, but for every thing else as he repeated his (pre-)vows to me over the phone: be there for me in good times and in bad.
It sucks to be in a rut. But it feels absolutely fantastic when you finally open up to that someone close, and receive help positively. Knowing that she/he got your back covered so that you can fall safely on.
Made me feel like a whim for my immaturity. But hey, its never easy to think straight all the time especially when emotions often overrule everything else. Getting ready for work this morning, while trying to deal with the badly swollen eyes and face made me realize another thing: that my prayer to the Lord some weeks ago were finally answered in his way. I could see the bigger picture too, how everything had built up to me eventually seeking help from Luke out of wits’ end and desperation.
The Lord never fails and just when you think you’re all alone…think again.