While most of my friends on Facebook added a rainbow filter over the weekend (I didn’t realize or know why till last night), I thought about my own marriage.
About how difficult it has been since we grew to a family of four. About how it also sucked to be a half of a heterosexual relationship when the alpha male in his super exhausted-after-a-round-of-drinks mode (he qualifies it was all in the name of WORK) is allowed to tell his stay home wife that he deserves a right to be in a bad mood because his elder son has woken him up from his booze snooze, reminding him his “papa” promise of building tracks and playing trains together as a reward for finishing his dinner, while his wife gets to just sit around and play with her phone.
I was caught at the most inopportune time with the phone again. Damn it. In defence, dinner was prepared on the table and Liam didn’t want me near his train tracks because I build boring circle ones (and to him it’s an activity that he bonds with his papa). Plus I had also completed my responsibility of making sure he finished dinner prior to playing train tracks.
“But you promised him”, I remind him.
“Ya, but I’m tired. I worked all day. And what did you do? Apart from playing with your phone again? Shouldn’t this be your job?”
I hate it when this sort of conversation takes place. The decision for me to be a stay home mum for our 2nd child was mutual. But as much as society says heterosexual relationships have evolved to one of gender equality in today’s world where dads are more evidently seen playing an active role in parenting than before, it’s during these moments I felt the opposite. I even had a friend’s boyfriend casually commenting once along the lines that “I (stay home mums) was useless” after hearing how I decided to spend more quality time with our firstborn. The said man also thought it was perfectly fine for him to take his time to find work because it was “okay for a man to want to sort out his thoughts”.
I’m not here to write a piece about my views on the new ruling celebrating even more love. I have good and dear friends I love & respect who are in full support, embrace and beneficiaries of the rainbow filter. I’m not here to debate about mums vs. dads or stay home mums vs. working mums either. I’m here to think out loud about my marriage. Whatever happened to love, equality, and treating each other with respect? Did becoming a parent and having a sole breadwinner suddenly triumph and supersede our wedding vows?
My girlfriends who are mums as well have lamented before how men have their egos. Yeah sure, they’re entitled to use them as much as we use our “PMS” status, but using it against a mum and her lack of parenting just because, I don’t think that was nice.
It’s been a rough weekend for the family so I’ll excuse the husband this time. But this incident is appearing on the blog because this is something I’d like to address with the husband in due time, on a non-egoistical and non-PMS occasion. He doesn’t read my blog by the way. So no, this isn’t my way of sending him a message in a bottle.
I love this man. I love the dad he’s become to our kids. I love how responsible and straightforward he is. I love how he dishes me these big tight hugs that makes me feel so secure. And I know that he loves me back and more. Heck, he rather spends everything on me than a little on himself. But what I dislike is his temper when he has alcohol in his system and when he’s sleepy. He makes promises he can’t keep and when I hold him to it, I bear the brunt of it.
Love isn’t all roses after the 5th date and marriage isn’t full of smiles and laughters after the wedding bells have rung. Parenting has been one heck of a roller coaster ride for us but I guess better to have someone to enjoy the ride with even if he grumbles at how slow the climb upwards is than to have one who constantly scream in your ears, puke in your face and won’t even hold your hand.