Oh what a shitty week it’s been, laden with mom’s guilt and a wife’s wrath.
I had 2 mornings this week when I questioned my role as a mom when I failed to handle my newly minted 5 year old with a textbook answer, that it went on to affect my morning.
And then during those same 2 mornings, I questioned the husband’s lack of sensitivity.
“How could you be tired? I slept later than you last night.” Or “did you remember to buy bread after Liam’s meltdown this morning while on the way to school about being very hungry? Why not?”, when I reached home at 9pm last evening (he’s been home with the kids since 7.30pm). I would have much appreciated if he met me half way, but I should know better than to assume out of a man who has been relying on his Wife to read his mind and run his errands for the last 8 years.
I’m exhausted, spent, and frustrated. Maybe this is stemming from the realisation that despite putting aside whatever Mom guilt I have as a FTWM, I can’t even get the basics of going through my son’s bag every night right (never mind if the school doesn’t chase for an acknowledgement if I’ve received the form as per usual or doesn’t follow up for a completion of form even if my answer is “do not allow” as promptly as when they ask for fees). Or that I do my darnest at wanting to fit in so many extracurricular activities but still fail hard trying. It could be, that I’m possibly beating myself up for not knowing how to use my time more productively? Or maybe just maybe, I’m reacting out of the lack of excitement and passion in my marriage – after the first 3 years, we’ve just become a boring couple who mostly get on each other’s nerves with our unreserved comments when we are not busy with screentime on our own devices.
“It’s all in your attitude, your mind, choosing whether to be positive or negative about it”, I hear some of you optimists say. Yes, that’s what I’ve been drilling in for the past hour during my commute to work earlier. But something’s got to give, and as of this morning, it’s definitely none of the niceness.
Grrr, this momma here has got to effect her changes at a much faster pace. To a better weekend!