I woke up with some random thoughts from my post coffee session with a friend yesterday.
Our 1st half of the conversation was mainly about marriage, having kids and my friend lamented how having a kid has greatly impacted his & his wife’s independence in all things, especially when it came to travelling and/or working abroad. So his advice to a lot of people, including me was to have as much fun as we wanted, travel as much as we desired because once a family came, a lot of sacrifices needed to be made. No matter how much you remind yourself not to change the fun part you love about yourself. He cited 2 examples of people we both knew, and yeah…I had to agree. I think this friend wanted to remain a ‘cool dad’ for his kid for as long as possible.
After some gibberish on other topics, he also asked if I missed singlehood.
I wasn’t sure if he was looking for someone to resonate with, because I’ve actually not been asked this question since my wedding some 2.8 years ago. So I hadn’t given it much thought.
Yes, occasionally when disagreements on finances, housing, overseas career opportunities, having kids, raising kids arise between husband & wife, its easy to think how great life would be if we were just back to being single & carefree. We could make decisions for ourselves as we please and continue to ‘stay true’ to our heart.
But when you choose to marry that someone you’ve been dating because you both want to bring the relationship to another commitment level, you somehow feel oblige to always care & consider about the other person’s feelings in most decision makings. In some cases, your spouse’s family feelings too. And that, as most couples will tell you is the parcels of marriage.
I guess what I’m trying to conclude about this conversation is the ‘grass is always greener’ analogy. We always yearn for what we can’t have, and think that things might have been better if we weren’t in the current situation we’re in.
Take me for example. I’ve always assumed that marriage could lead to having a home to call our own. That I’d have co-ownership of everything, especially the kitchen, for times when I wanted to experiment with food, feel a little adventurous and invite some friends over for a lovely dinner & drinks session, and not fight kitchen/stove space with 2 other in-laws and frustrate myself not being able to locate utensils and cutlery because of their preference in placement around the kitchen. Heck, I could even just walk around the house not caring what I wore to sleep in because it was just me, him and perhaps some dogs. How much fun would that be, just us both in a home designed with our preference only in mind!
But again, this is a parcel of my marriage for the past 2.8 years but I’ve learn to accept it.
Friend console me by saying that living with in-laws has its merits too, such as having them help look after kids if we do have them (although I’d very much like to be involved and not rely on others so much).
But I’d like to cross that bridge only when I come to it, so from now till that time comes, I’d love my private space, anytime. Even if it means racking my brains on what to cook even if I could just rely on the convenience of mil’s delicious cantonese cooking.
Just a few random thoughts.