All through my pregnancy journey so far, I’ve been pretty good & upbeat about the anticipation of parenthood so I was rather unprepared for what hit me last night
One moment it was being able to make a squeak because the throat had cleared a wee bit, and then the next it was back to not being able to make the tinniest of squeaks as I started to spot bits of blood amidst my spools of saliva mixed phlegm.
I also got my first experience at reflux and it visited me 5 times in total – 3 of which came flying through when I was about to hit the sack, resulting me in having to sit up in my bed for the rest of the night which led to insomnia, a horrible backache for the awkward self-made reclining position I was in, and an outburst of tears.
I finally got to sleep at 3am due to exhaustion.
But before the pockets of sunshine even got to shine through my three-quarter drawn curtains, I was up again – running to the loo to flush out more pee, gargling my throat with water due to post reflux and drifting in and out of zombie mode, as I did my best to force my stinging eyes close only to be woken up by another round of the same routine.
This must have gone on for about 3 hours till the husband woke up, prep himself for work, said his usual goodbye to me and before I knew it, my eyes were welling with tears again. I was having my 2nd outburst in a row and I had no idea how to control it.
I got in touch with some mommy friends via whatsapp immediately for some emo-SOS, and was relief to know that feeling more vulnerable, sensitive, emotional during the 3rd tri was completely normal. One of them (expecting her #2) was going through something similar as well (thank goodness for a social network of moms and mtbs) while another recalled how her 3rd tri was quite a roller coaster of emotions with energy levels dipping right till 2 weeks before D-day. It didn’t change how I felt right away , but hearing their experiences reassured me that I wasn’t alone.
Some books term this as pre-natal depression. But I’m avoiding putting that label on myself because I’m hoping for this to be a one-off episode. B.chungkin has been a huge source of joy for both the Bo & I (despite him still being in-utero) so being hit by depression of any sort is very unexpected and one that I’m mentally unprepared for at the moment.
And for all the mama-toughness that I want to continue being despite still feeling like a emo junkie (in addition to the temporary loss of voice and smell), I eventually succumbed and asked my mom if I could go over to her place for the day & night just to have her company because she always knows how to make me feel better. (and you would think husbands had that secret formula too until you see their confused and don’t-know-what-to-do expressions).
And that’s the mom I want to become eventually too, not only for my kids but for my future in-laws. The sort of mom who will know how to reassure & comfort a child with the magic touch.
Meanwhile, am desiring for a speedy recovery from this episode – physically & mentally.