GUILTY has been a huge buzzword that I’ve been using ever since the 2nd pregnancy happened.
With the first, there were constant documentations, weekly photos of the bump, baby-shopping & celebration of every milestone regardless how little – from hearing his heartbeat, to passing the Oscar test, feeling baby’s movements in the belly for the first time, graduating from every trimester, ooh-ing and ahh-ing at every scan.
I made sure to rest and eat a balanced diet whenever I could throughout most of those 39 weeks. My skin was glowing, my hair was at one of it’s best ever regardless how I slept the night before, my energy levels were always on a high and I feel so positive. I was one of those “easy to pacify” pregnant wives with no nausea, cravings or food aversions. I think the Bo couldn’t believe his luck about not needing to run around in the wee hours to satisfy any crave especially after getting prep by his “been there done that” colleagues.
With the first, motherhood was a constant wonderment of discoveries between both of us. We marvelled at every little thing he did to amuse and melt our hearts and disciplining soon became a challenge with the things he started getting away with. When other started asking if we were going to have a 2nd soon, I didn’t know what to say. We were still so besotted with our new parenthood status, being a family of 3 that all I wanted to do was to continue basking in one of the glorious stages of our lives. No doubt the Bo & I loved and knew we wanted to have more than a kid if we could, but it just wasn’t something that we had discussed about yet. Plus financial, physical and mental readiness was something we probably wasn’t at our most optimal then. Our helper was undecided about renewing her contract, our little boy hadn’t started preschool, I was offered part-time work and didn’t know how things were going to work out, the Bo landed himself a new role, we had family trips in the pipeline etc. There was just so much going on.
And then just when the Bo & I were finally ready to welcome another addition into the family early this year in our prayers, the 2nd pregnancy happened. We were quite taken aback, couldn’t believe that another dream had happened and were overjoyed about having another addition into the family. Yet as the weeks crept by it just didn’t seem to sink in. Perhaps a part of me was still in disbelief, and another starting to feel guilty about the littlest things. I worried about how we would tell Liam, how he might feel. I worried about needing to spilt myself up. I worried about losing relevancy in the workforce I was just starting to gain good traction on. I worried about not being able to be the same 100% caregiver to our 2nd child like I was with Liam. I worried about the future sleeping arrangement and if I’ll be able to get into the groove of a routine like I had successfully been with Liam. Silly things really, but they affected me in their own way.
It wasn’t till I first saw & heard the heartbeat of our 2nd child during a gynae’s visit that it struck me hard that this baby was happening. I teared up unknowingly as I witness yet another miracle. But back home I was like another person, neglecting my body’s cues to rest, forgetting to take my pre-natal supplements, taking late dinners just so I could spend more time with Liam reading books to him at bedtime, exploring every outdoor playground I could on every available afternoon possible. I felt guilty for snoozing all over the place, even during our playtimes together, on his mat. I was extremely exhausted and constantly low on energy in addition to the first time nauseas, fatigues and cravings. Yet all I wanted to do was to spend more quality time with Liam and not make a big deal out of this pregnancy.
I started to spot a teeny weeny bit one weekend after carrying Liam and walking for prolonged hours. My gynae was still rather relaxed about it during that one “urgent visit”, teasing if I would learn my lesson about taking things slow only if he had to admit me for hospital rest but that was sure ONE BIG WAKE UP CALL. I had obviously been too preoccupied overcompensating Liam out of guilt that I had neglected myself and baby’s needs. I felt guilty towards our #2, and heave a sigh of relief seeing him on screen bouncing about happily.
So with this 2nd pregnancy, I’m going to make an effort to jot down more thoughts, feelings and hopefully some photos of the journey. It may not be as exclusive as the 1st time in terms of scary weight gains, seeing a detailed scan, graduating from trimester to trimester but it’s still special no doubt. Chungkin #2 is as much of a miracle as his big brother was and deserves some special mentions of his own. So let’s rock and roll and get started on some preg-o posts!